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How to Have Fun At The Multiplex
From your World Film Guide
Maybe your date is forcing you; maybe you live in a town without
art houses playing the latest Slamdance favorites; maybe you feel like slumming
with the blockbuster crowds. I'll tell you how to have fun at the evil corporate
megaplex.
Difficulty Level:
Easy
Time Required:
100 minutes
Here's How:
- Pack a theater ad that lists all movie times.
- Bring a big knapsack, duffle bag, or (if you feel daring) a suitcase.
- Pack a water pistol and a couple of hearty sandwiches.
- Stop at the gas station and pick up a six-pack of beer. If you are planning
a double-or triple feature (see below) pick up a case.
- Load up on snacks: M & Ms, twizzle sticks, cheese doodles, goobers...when
in doubt, get more. It's awful to run out!
- Bring a few extra sweaters. This helps hide the beer and candy in your bag
from the prying eyes of multiplex employees, and is good for heavy airconditioning.
- Go to a matinee and buy a student ticket. You're not a student? Your expired
card from decades past still works. Trust me.
- As soon as the previews starts, listen for talkers. Unless the theater
is empty, there will be talkers sitting very close to you.
- Warn the talkers once with the following internationally accepted warning:
'Shhh!'
- Load your water pistol with beer. Shoot the talkers. If the talkers attack
you, whip them with your twizzle sticks.
- Need a smoke? The fire exits are great if you don't care about loud alarms.
Your guide advises against the public use of drugs.
- Once the talkers quiet down, open a beer for yourself and start commenting
loudly on the movie: 'Woohoo Gwyneth!' - 'If I ever have to watch another
baseball movie I'll puke' - 'Stoooopid!' etc.
- When a) you've had enough, b) the rest of the audience gangs up on you,
or c) the movie is over, go to the bathroom. Change your shirt. Consult your
list of movie times (see step 1) and pick another film.
- Leave the bathroom and head straight for the theater showing your second
selection. Do not make eye contact with the ushers.
- Repeat from step 9 until you run out of beer, the multiplex closes, or
you are thrown out.
Tips:
- Dress casually. You want to look like a mild-mannered student. Take out
the nose rings! I suggest a polo shirt and jeans. A university sweater can
also be of advantage (see step 2)
- Tarantino fans don't buy just sneak in their snacks; they rob the concession
stand at gun point.
Related Information:
More How To's from your Guide to World Film
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