You know it's a big pointless farce, but somehow you're just
enough of a movie addict to be unable to ignore the Oscars altogether. I'll
tell you how to enjoy the Academy Awards.
Difficulty Level:
Easy Time Required:
3 hours
Here's How:
Turn down all invitations to Oscar parties. You don't want to be with the
people who cheered for Shakespeare in Love and shouted "I'm the king of the
world!" with James Cameron.
Enter Tim Roth in all write-in polls you can find for Best Director for
The War Zone. Sneer at everybody who tells you they don't like those
kinds of movies because they "make them feel sad."
Watch at home in comfortable clothes. That way, if Hilary and Chloe win,
you can dance without fear of spilling something on yourself. And if The Green
Mile wins, you can go straight to bed.
Do make popcorn and have other snacks available. You'll have to have some
way to amuse yourself during all of the American Beauty acceptance speeches.
Log onto the Independent/World Film Oscar chat and share your cheers and
disgust with the rest of us.
Start drinking during the pre-show. Take a shot for each time a commentator
compares an actress to Audrey Hepburn.
Marvel that the poor people in California have to start watching this hokum
around 4 p.m.: much too early for cocktails.
Make really loud obvious fake laughing noises at all the dumb jokes written
for the presenters. Don't stop laughing until they show the movie clip.
Try to see if Kevin Spacey brought a date. The year he won he brought his
mother, and you're starting to suspect he's gay. Although he was with a woman
in a really gaudy green print at the SAG Awards.
Cross your fingers so that Samantha Morton will win so you can hear her
speak.
Write down all the names of the short and animated films. This may be the
first and only time you ever hear of them. Ask for them at your local, non-chain
video store.
Clap and scream loudly anytime someone remotely indie wins. Go to bed satisfied
that indie film had a good showing, even though you wish they'd sent Annette
home to Warren crying.
Tips:
When you're brimming with glee or anger after the show, post a message to
the forum.
Above all else, have a good time. After all, it's a Hollywood production:
overblown, predictable, and a little silly. Have fun!
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