Let's not get started on where Hollywood went wrong, because there were some nasty, expensive stinkers this year: Troy, Alexander, Van Helsing.... But the art house world had its utter failures as well. Zhang Yimou traded character and story for flying sword fights and visual flair, French filmmakers provided their very worst in sexual discomfort, and Mel Gibson shot a snuff film in Aramaic. Here are this year's worst.
1. The Passion of the Christ
Completely untouched by the teachings of Jesus, Mel Gibson's sadistic orgy of pain is a medival extravaganza without redemption. Blood and violence sell, but where does that leave the peacemakers? We sincerely wish somebody would make a movie about the Sermon on the Mount.
2. A Very Long Engagement
Two hours and thirteen minutes is a very, very long time. Jean-Pierre Jeunet needs to get over his love affair with the undoubtedly lovely Audrey Tautou and make a movie with substance. Sure, he's got big battle scenes, flying limbs and bloody bodies, but the film lacks all heart. Plus: doggy fart jokes are not funny.3. De-Lovely
Here's the truth: we didn't make it to the end of this movie. Irwin Winkler's bio pic about Cole Porter is marked by ludicrously bad performances, poor song and dance numbers, and a shoddy structure as the film shuffles between Porter's past and present.4. Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
We'd like to thank all the Metallica fans who wrote sheaves of hatemail after we called the film "an extended making-of featurette," but we stand by it: 139 minutes of a bunch of snivvelling multi-millionaires pouring their hearts out in support of the new album can't be anybody's idea of a rockin' good time.5. Twentynine Palms
If we had walked out on the last ten minutes of Bruno Dumont's atrocious art house sex film, we would have missed the film's hero getting anally raped by random men in a pickup truck. This horrific act comes after an hour of tedious animal sex by young lovers in the California desert. Please spare us.6. A Dirty Shame
It pains us to add John Waters to this list of shame, but his histrionic attempts at shock just added up to a lot of unfunny noise. This embarassment made us long for the days when Divine ate dog poo.7. Secret Things
Two aimless women decide to move on up the social ladder by using their bodies. The ensuing comedy of office manners culminates in a quasi-philosophical orgy of pretense and trashy would-be kicks that takes its rightful place among the worst movies we have ever seen.8. A Love Song For Bobby Long
Dying on screen does not equal good cinema. Nor does urinating blood, faking a Southern accent, or dyeing your hair albino white. John Travolta gives an awful performance in the title role of Shainee Gabel's debut feature. Scarlett Johansson reveals ample cleavage but even that won't help to make this failed, earnest film any better.9. I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
Clive Owen desperately needs a hair cut in Mike Hodges' arty and absolutely tedious thriller "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead." The only likeable character is young Rhys Meyers; another victim of anal rape on this list, he soon offs himself, and the films goes downhill from there.10. House of Flying Daggers
Yes, the cinematography is splendid. No, we don't care. All the flitting around in tree tops and slow-mo cutting down of enemy armies can't disguise that this film has no heart, no brain, and absolutely nothing to say. After the first action setpiece, our eyes glazed over. By the last one, the tedium was almost enough to make us slit our wrists.Poll: The Worst Stinker
Vote in our poll. What was the worst film of the year?
