It's not all popcorn and free movies: the lives of film critics are fraught with danger. Sore backs, headaches, and loss of faith in cinema as an art form are only some of the risks we bravely face on a day to day basis—so you won't have to. From the megaplex to the art house, the world of movies is a minefield, and this is our list of the most explosive dissapointments of the year.
1. Match Point
It feels as if Woody Allen isn't even trying anymore. Scarlett Johansson is utterly wasted in this shoddily written and executed morality tale about unlikable posh Londoners and one homicidal, social climbing tennis pro. "Annie Hall" wasn't just light years ahead of this mess, it was also shorter.
2. The Brothers Grimm
Oh Terry, what grim disillusionment. A third class theme park ride, much too dark for children, too familiar for adults, and too lame for either audience. Nobody who's seen the Ents march on Isengard will be thrilled by your animatronic branches.
3. Sin City
We like a little story with our orgies of decapitation and wanton violence. Our lizard brains might enjoy these obvious, ripped-off noir-light tales of sex and blood, but what about the rest of our heads? Since there's nothing else going on, the extremely stylish look is wasted. Miller and Rodriguez are threatening a sequel.4. Brokeback Mountain
No, we're not homophobic, but a quickie in a tent followed by years of lying, mumbling, and being mean to their wives and daughters did nothing to endear Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal's simple-minded shepherds to us. Ang Lee's artfulness can't hide the basic emptiness of this story. A plodding disappointment, stretched out to marathon length and hyped beyond belief.5. The Aristocrats
Potty humor is potty humor, no matter how many of your talented friends you line up to deliver the punch line. The only worthwhile joke belonged to Sarah Silverman, and she has her own movie.6. 5x2
Francois Ozon tells the story of a disintegrating marriage, backwards. But by making the couple miserable examples of human beings, it's impossible to give a damn. Ugh, times five.7. The War of the Worlds
No, it's not an independent or world film by any stretch of the imagination. But we can still feel the industrial-strength headaches this utterly superfluous blockbuster gave us, so it deserves getting dissed one last time. (Spielberg, by the way, more than regained our respect with the powerful drama "Munich.")8. Reel Paradise
Nobody needed "reality cinema," and we'd bet my friendly neighbor's vacation video is more gripping than the Pearson family's tale of running a movie theater in the Fiji islands.9. Don't Move
In this preposterously bad Italian art-house drama, Penelope Cruz falls passionately in love with her rapist. Making herself ugly to gain respect (a move cribbed from Charlize Theron), Cruz dons false teeth, tacky blue eye shadow and impossibly bad clothes to prove her depth as an actress.10. Breakfast on Pluto
For an audience that has seen "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," "Velvet Goldmine," and Neil Jordan's own "Crying Game," it takes more than transvestites, tacky magicians, and the IRA for a truly fresh experience. Cillian Murphy's considerable charms couldn't save this timid and predictable adaptation of Patrick McCabe's novel.The Forum: What do you think?
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