How to Have Fun At The Multiplex

Maybe your date is forcing you; maybe you live in a town without art houses playing the latest Slamdance favorites; maybe you feel like slumming with the blockbuster crowds. I'll tell you how to have fun at the evil corporate megaplex.

Difficulty Level: Easy      Time Required: 100 minutes

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Here's How:

1. Pack a theater ad that lists all movie times.
2. Bring a big knapsack, duffle bag, or (if you feel daring) a suitcase.
3. Pack a water pistol and a couple of hearty sandwiches.
4. Stop at the gas station and pick up a six-pack of beer. If you are planning a double-or triple feature (see below) pick up a case.
5. Load up on snacks: M & Ms, twizzle sticks, cheese doodles, goobers...when in doubt, get more. It's awful to run out!
6. Bring a few extra sweaters. This helps hide the beer and candy in your bag from the prying eyes of multiplex employees, and is good for heavy airconditioning.
7. Go to a matinee and buy a student ticket. You're not a student? Your expired card from decades past still works. Trust me.
8. As soon as the previews starts, listen for talkers. Unless the theater is empty, there will be talkers sitting very close to you.
9. Warn the talkers once with the following internationally accepted warning: "Shhh!"
10. Load your water pistol with beer. Shoot the talkers. If the talkers attack you, whip them with your twizzle sticks.
11. Need a smoke? The fire exits are great if you don't care about loud alarms. Your guide advises against the public use of drugs.
12. Once the talkers quiet down, open a beer for yourself and start commenting loudly on the movie: "Woohoo Gwyneth!" - "If I ever have to watch another baseball movie I'll puke" - "Stoooopid!" etc.
13. When a) you've had enough, b) the rest of the audience gangs up on you, or c) the movie is over, go to the bathroom. Change your shirt. Consult your list of movie times (see step 1) and pick another film.
14. Leave the bathroom and head straight for the theater showing your second selection. Do not make eye contact with the ushers.
15. Repeat from step 9 until you run out of beer, the multiplex closes, or you are thrown out.
    

Tips:

1. Dress casually. You want to look like a mild-mannered student. Take out the nose rings! I suggest a polo shirt and jeans. A university sweater can also be of advantage (see step 2)
2. Tarantino fans don't buy just sneak in their snacks; they rob the concession stand at gun point.
   

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