People who don't like foreign films usually have a pretty clear idea why: first of all, they don't like foreign languages (especially if it's French), they don't like reading the subtitles, they don't like the artsy camera work, they don't like the pretense. Usually they don't mind the steamy sex, especially if there's a little girl-on-girl action. But that's not enough to excuse the ponderous plot that leads nowhere and the self-important artist characters who wander aimlessly through cobblestone streets at dawn, exchanging witty repartee. International cinema haters of the world, look no further: The Girl has everything you ever loathed about a foreign film.

It all sounded so good: a promising first-time writer/director (Sande Zeig), a prize-winning co-writer (Monique Wittig), a renowned producer (Dolly Hall, of The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love), and an excellent editor (Geraldine Peroni, who worked with Robert Altman and cut Alison Mclean's Jesus' Son). And don't forget the two leads, Claire Keim and Agathe de la Boulaye, who radiate an unblemished beauty that should be almost enough to carry a movie by itself.

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It's hard to care about the characters and their troubles when we get sex (titillating yet oddly clean) instead of characterizations. We have no idea who these people are, but we know the location of every mole on their bodies. The champagne flows, artists chain-smoke in beautiful lofts they couldn't possibly afford, and a narrator attempts Sam Spade type voice-overs to ridiculous effects. Men cackle villainously like Dr. Evil. Somebody gets beat up. In the end, a gun is fired. Oh my.

I like to give films the benefit of the doubt. For as long as possible, I assumed that the clunky dialogue, the heavy-handed fake-noir voice-overs, and the stilted acting were part of a deliberately stylized method, á la Hal Hartley. But when it became clear that the story didn't add up to anything, the conceited stylishness was revealed as utter crock -- unconvincing, foolish, and pointless. By the end of The Girl, the audience couldn't hide their guffaws, and as the lights came up we shook our heads in disbelief.

From a story by Monique Wittig
A film by Sande Zeig
Produced by Dolly Hall

An Artistic License Film