Enough is Enough

Part 2: Calculated Mass Lobotomy

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A decadent Empire in decline

America is the most powerful, richest nation on earth. Scratch that: in the history of the planet. But the most entertaining thing we can think of to spend our time and wealth on is pointless special effects, overpaid celebrities, and a marketing juggernaut that drowns out everyone who's sensible and has a quality movie. OK, to be fair, every now and then a smart independent movie makes it through. But there wasn't a single one last Saturday when I needed it most.

The paucity of thought, story, wit, beauty, and interesting characters evident in almost every single movie playing at the theaters is enough to make you despair. I suppose the US is like Ancient Rome in its decline: a decadent empire that rules the globe but isn't interested in much of anything. Last summer, we weren't just like Romans watching blood and gore at the Circus Maximus -- we were in fact cheering for Gladiator.

And me? Instead of slitting my wrists, I bought a fifth of scotch and sat through Charlie's Angels (you didn't think I'd do this sober, did you?) And you know, the sad thing is, these films are always entertaining. The lame jokes, the kicks in the face, the rockin' soundtrack, the firm butts. Like a Double Whopper with Cheese, it goes down easy. I've been much more bored by "artsy" films. But just like pigging out on fast food, you leave the theater feeling sick because you've been taken for a sucker. I'd rather watch an art film that bores me silly and know that I've seen an honest attempt at filmmaking than one more greedy piece of calculated mass lobotomy.

How come they can't set aside three or four theaters for people with a more discerning taste?

Popcorn flicks have their place, but how come all 20 screens at the mall show nothing but? How come they can't set aside three or four theaters for people with a more discerning taste? The movies are there -- Europe is full of films you and I have never heard of, and India alone produces more movies than Hollywood (many of which aren't very good either, but that's another story). And I know, I know, I know that the audience is there, and not only in LA and New York, either. Smart folks like the Shooting Gallery are catching on and releasing good movies on more screens. 20 cities is nice, but how about 200? It'll still take a while before A Time for Drunken Horses makes it to, say, Hattiesburg, Mississippi.

OK, so I'm prone to slumming. Occasionally, I'll voluntarily see any old crap just because it's available, or because the trailer looked awesome. You can't always watch the arty stuff. But: the days where you could get away with watching trash and pretending it was postmodern tongue-in-cheek hipness are dead and gone. Can we please stop indulging in recycled 70s idiocy and calling it "knowing reference to pop-cultural texts"? That was a lame excuse when The Brady Bunch Movie came out, but it's certainly a no-no now.

Charlies' Angels was the last straw.

Enough is enough. For me, Charlie's Angels was the last straw. If I want kung fu action, I'll watch a real Hong Kong flick instead of a third rate knock-off. If I want silly, I'll watch Zazie Dans Le Metro or Delicatessen. If I want fast and crazy, I'll watch Tetsuo the Iron Man. Not every world film is ponderous and philosophical. But I'm sick and tired of the schlock Hollywood cranks out, and I hereby solemnly vow not to watch another dreck movie until ... well, at least not until Star Wars Episode II. It's going to suck, too, but I'll see it anyway.

How about this: if you feel like I have a point, why don't you join me and vow not to see a trash movie until after the holidays. That's right: no 'splosions, babes, and cheap emotions till January 1. If you feel like you're up to the challenge, post in the forum to join me. Just imagine: it's Thanksgiving, and the multiplex is empty. If you can't stand hanging out with the family any longer, you can always go find an art house, rent or buy something worth watching.

You know where to find me. My in-laws are nice folks, really. And they don't try to lobotomize you out of pure greed.

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